You’re Someone’s Rock Star

An open letter to the little boy in the first row of the Phoenix Symphony who conducted his way through the Star Wars and Indiana Jones themes, remaining seated but waving his arms as if the orchestra were following his every move:

Don’t ever change.

The world’s going to try kicking you down if it hasn’t already. Honestly, it was all I could do to not leap up and join you at the balcony railing during the symphony’s tribute to John Williams this afternoon. I didn’t, but I should have. Don’t you ever stop. You keep going, little John Williams fan, and never let anything anyone says to you change who you are.

Your biggest fan, Tom

Open letter to the Phoenix Symphony:

First of all, your Star Wars show several months ago was amazing. We will be coming back next time with our son. Today, your John Williams tribute performance made me my wife wipe tears from her face. (Okay, maybe things got a little blurry for me during E.T. And Jurassic Park. And Jaws. And Raiders. And Close Encounters. But I digress…)

The real highlight, the thing that will forever mark the Phoenix Symphony as a state treasure, came after the show was over and most of the audience had cleared out:

The aforementioned little boy was approached by the first chair violinist (apologies, as I may be wrong about her title and instrument; I’m under-educated in all the titles and instruments in a symphony). In any case, she came to the lip of the stage and talked with that little boy for several minutes. She then went backstage and returned with conductor Stuart Chafetz, who did not hesitate to bring the kid onstage with them both. Several people gathered to take photos, including myself from up on the balcony. I believe we could see his smile from up there.

That was a class act, through and through. Neither of those musicians had to come back out and talk to that kid. But his joy during the music was apparent; he just threw those little hands around like a pro during The Imperial March and the Raiders of the Lost Ark encore. Even from our remote seats, it was clear that he, the conductor, the violinist, and the family were thrilled and delighted to have a moment together appreciating each other.

Thank you for a wonderful show, and a touching moment of humanity and grace. We will be returning to the symphony soon and will be gladly contributing to the organization.

Sincerely, Tom Leveen

Then there was the ride home, in which my always-brilliant wife pointed out that we are all someone’s rock star.

John Williams will never meet that little boy in the front row, and we might never know what impact today’s symphony had on him. But we all “geek out” over something, Joy said. Maybe it’s the music of John Williams, maybe it’s comic books, maybe it’s video games…or maybe it’s Larry Fitzgerald or Carl Sagan or Neil deGrasse Tyson or Maya Angelou or who knows! There are so many people out there that we look up to, people who inspire us, and who ultimately keep the world moving and changing and growing by sharing their talent with us. They give rise to the next group of creators and thinkers and athletes who propel us toward the best humanity can be.

God knows we need a little of that, yeah?

Coming so soon after the close of a rough year for myself and my family, this short little moment in time in which a conductor came out to shake hands and say hi to a thoroughly delighted fan reminded me why I keep trying to publish books, why I got a little breathless when I first met Laurie Halse Anderson and Judy Blume and dozens of authors and actors and celebrities. They are my rock stars. And if I’m someone’s rock star, may I always come out and shake hands and say Hello and thank you for enjoying the show.

I’ve seen some great people at Phoenix ComiCon; Edward James Olmos, James Marsters, Ron Perlman, Cary Elwes, and Amber Benson top the list for sure. They were kind, or fun, or cool, or all three, and usually something more. Joy and I tried at these short meetings to emphasize how much their work has meant to us, and they took our thanks with poise and grace. That’s what real rock stars do. I hope I can be one like they are.

But I think Joy is right, we are all someone’s rock star. We don’t need to be a “public figure” to be one. Our two high school drama teachers that my friends and I love so dearly are our rock stars. So are several booksellers, several agents, several editors, several musicians, several doctors.

I don’t know the name of the woman who met that little boy at the edge of the stage this afternoon.

But I know she’s a rock star.

P.S. To whatever caregivers were responsible for this little boy? A+, friends. You are raising that kid right. And for that, you are rock stars, too.

The Sun Experiment

I’ve been doing this experiment. I didn’t mean to do it, it just sort of happened, and I can’t make a positive correlation exactly, but it’s been interesting.

I’ve been watching sunrise and sunset.

If you’ve been on social media with friends or family in the Phoenix area recently, or if you live here yourself, you may have noticed a surge in photos of our breathtaking sunrises and sunsets lately. I don’t know what’s been causing them, but man, they’ve really been amazing this past week.

Taking just one minute or two minutes in the middle of the morning rush and the evening rush to stop and look at these ‘rises and ‘sets may have changed how my day goes.

This past weekend, my wife said, “This has been a really good week. What’s different?”

She didn’t intend the question to be a referendum on weeks past, necessarily . . . except it kind of was. Rightfully so. I have not been having a good couple months. Actually, the whole of 2015 has been more shitty than not shitty for our little family, barring a couple of Abrams-lens-flare bright spots like our trip to Germany. Mostly, though? Yeah. Not very good, and the vast majority of that not-goodness has been on me.

But she was right; this week had been different. Why?

Two things. Maybe they will help you, too.

  • I began asking myself in the morning how I wanted to feel when I went to bed. What sorts of things did I want to accomplish, what kind of mood did I want to be in, how did I want my mind and body to feel? Then as the hours of each day went past and night came, before going to bed, I’d run a quick recap and do a systems check: Is everyone safe and healthy? Yep. Did we have a roof, food, and clothes? Yep. So far so good. Did I have a good time with my wife and son, did I get to write, did I get to check some things off on my list? Yep. Did I absolutely lose my shit when the garage door wouldn’t open? No. Okay, then. That’s a good day.

Just running through these little checklists seem to have helped put things into priority for me. Planning ahead to feel good at night seems to have made a world of difference.

Then:

  • I started noticing sunrise and sunset. Just opening the front blinds to look at the incredible cloud formations we’ve had lately, and the prismatic glow of reds and oranges and purples reflected in them. Call it “mindfulness” or “prayer” or “Zen” or whatever, but I just stood and breathed and looked and thought, “That is very, very pretty, and I am fortunate to see it.” That’s all. I’d do the same in the evening. Again, I can’t prove this exercise has changed how my days go, I just know that my days have been better since starting to take that time. One or two minutes, that’s it.

In his last filmed interview, Brandon Lee said:

“Because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. And yet everything happens only a certain number of times. And a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood? An afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more? Perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.”

He’s right, of course. I now enjoy taking that minute to see the sun rise because the reality is, I might not see that day’s sunset.

Does that sound grim? SaIMG_1286d? Depressing? Morbid? I used to think so. It’s one of our great failings of American culture that while we fetishize death in all of our entertainment (including the entertainment I provide in my novels), we don’t really talk about it, we don’t really think about it, and we certainly don’t really think it’s going to happen to us.

I had to embrace it. If I didn’t, I’d be a lot more angry today than I am. I have never been a proponent of “living each day like it’s your last,” because then the world would shut down. No, it’s more a matter of this nightly routine I have now: Am I happy with how I feel at the end of this day? If not, what can I do differently tomorrow, if I’m lucky enough to have one?

I don’t know if any of this will help you, but I hope it does.

Enjoy your sunrise.

 

 

 

Lucky 13

Howdy, friends and neighbors. Here is a quick sample of my National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) novel, Lucky 13. Some of you might recognize a name and a bit of history. Now let’s see if it’s any good! Leave a note below in the Facebook comments box (so that I know the Facebook comments box is working). And if you’d like to comment on the new look and functionality of the site itself, I’d appreciate that, too.

Thank you! Now, I’m pleased to offer you…Chapter One of Lucky 13. Let me know if you’d read more.

Take care, and congrats to all my fellow Nanos. 🙂

~ Tom

P.S. There is some gore and violence, but nothing worse than anything in, say, Sick. FYI.

LUCKY THIRTEEN

Chapter One

 

The first time Tanin Thirteen asked Murphy how old he was, Murphy’s wrinkled face broke into a smile Tanin had only rarely encountered in the village. Then Murphy laughed, which made Tanin follow suit; a strange sound, a foreign sound in her own ears. There was little to laugh at in Base Camp.

Murphy laughed aloud, and at first, it had seemed it would be as short-lived as the little bean sprouts the two of them were collecting that day. When his laugh began to slow and trickle to a stop, Murphy’s gaze happened to land on young Tanin, and the old man started laughing all over again. He laughed so hard he doubled over as if cramped. Soon his knees buckled, and he teetered forward at first, then backward, landing on his bottom.

“What?” Tanin said, her ribs squeezing laughter out of dry lungs.

But Murphy only went on, precious tears dripping from the corners of his eyes. He lifted his knees and wrapped his arms around them, making a basket for his head. His broad shoulders shook so much, Tanin thought his ancient once-black duster coat might split.

Tanin sat down across from him in the dust and watched him, wondering why the question should send the old man into such shudders. As time went on and he didn’t stop, Tanin began to fear she’d driven Murphy insane. If the stories he told were all true, and she had no reason to think they weren’t, perhaps Murphy’s insanity had only been a matter of time.

“What?” she asked again, her own giggles having already petered out.

Murphy looked up from his arms and knees. Tanin realized he had ceased laughing some moments before, and now only wept. Something in her heart lurched to the right; her heart, maybe, but Murphy had taught her that no matter what some of the spiritualists in the village said, the heart was an organ like any other and not some metaphysical thing. It was better, he taught, to not form more than the most cursory emotional attachments. Feelings like loyalty could be prized for their unifying functions, which was crucial in battle. Feelings like love got people eaten.

Murphy wiped his eyes and stared at the girl. “Too old,” he answered. “Way too old, kid.”

Not the most satisfying answer for an adolescent, but Tanin didn’t push. Murphy got to his feet with the combined posture of a man in his seventies and a boy in the prime of his youth.

He extended a calloused hand to her. Tanin took it and let him pull her to her feet.

“I don’t mean to laugh,” he said. “And certainly not at you. It’s just, no one has asked that question in a very long time. They don’t understand, Tanin. They don’t know what it was like.”

She left her hand in his, enjoying the sandpaper texture and strength in his fingers. “What was it like?”

He kept his ancient eyes on hers for a long moment, then moved away. Tanin noticed his hand fall with easy familiarity and not a bit of paranoia to the hilt of his sword.

“Maybe later,” he said, scanning the immediate area for the sick. “Let’s finish with the stills first.”

Tanin nodded, picking up the rusty handle of a little red wagon that she would never understand was once used as a toy, back in a time when children didn’t have to grow up so fast and the world wasn’t dusted in shades of black and white.

She had never seen the sun.

* * *

The man awoke knowing his true purpose.

Even before his eyes opened, he knew. This band of so-called soldiers had shown it to him in no uncertain terms before they died. Most likely, he mused, they hadn’t even known it. No, they’d been so busy bleeding and screaming that the thought that he, their new god, was doing them a courtesy probably never occurred to them. It made sense, then, that they didn’t realize they had shown him, in their dying, the way that he must go. The word that he must spread.

Ah, well, he thought. Live and learn!

So to speak.

He opened his eyes, smiling. His sleep had been long and luxurious, propped up in a sitting position against the rear right-side tire of a small once-red pickup. All colors were “once,” he thought, still smiling. Once-red, once-yellow, once-blue. Color had ceased to have real meaning or value now that the world had been dusted with ash. He saw no reason to mourn the loss. In fact, he decided, one of his first decrees would be that all his subjects must wear only shades of gray. Not a difficult law to follow; who would waste water on washing clothes? They’d only grow dingy again beneath the ashfall.

No, the man thought, better to embrace the world as it was. Gods and devils and angels and demons had no purpose here. The truth mattered. The truth was all that mattered. Humanity mattered.

He pulled himself to his feet and coughed. Gray particles puffed from his lips, making him smile again. He turned to survey the carnage on the truck: Four men, dead, their blood already congealed and no longer flowing. In the bed of their truck, a silver suitcase tried to shine but failed. The case was locked, but he knew he had an eternity to find a way to get it open. Such precious cargo never existed in all the world. He wondered idly how many he might inoculate, how much serum lay within the case; enough for only one? Two? Ten? A hundred?

Well. He’d find out eventually.

“And out came another horse,” he said to the dead men as he pulled their bodies from the vehicle. “And its rider was given permission to take peace from the earth, and he was given a great sword.”

The bodies thunked against the hard-packed ash. It had formed bricks as hard as concrete after so many years of rain and compression. He shut the tailgate and paused, resting his forearms against it.

“I’m gonna need a great sword,” he told them.

One of the men groaned.

The man furrowed his brow and came around the side of the truck. The would-be soldier, dressed in mismatched camouflage, lolled his head to one side, wincing.

“Hey, look at you!” the man said, and walked over to the man. The soldier tried to raise a hand as he beheld the man coming nearer. “You’re still in it to win it, buddy. I like that. You got guts.”

The soldier whined as the man pulled a knife from a sheath on his leg, then screamed as the man plunged it into the soldier’s midsection.

“You do, you got guts. What, you don’t believe me?”

The man tore the knife in a wicked Z-shape through the soldier’s flesh. He held up the blade, which dripped loops of intestine.

“Here they are!”

He smiled as the man’s scream turned to a cry, then a wail, then a squeal. After choking for another minute, the soldier died.

“It’s nothing personal,” the man said. “But I mean, come on, you’re wearing Vietnam-era jungle pattern camo, buddy. Chrissake, that’s not gonna hide you from anything out here. Clearly. Also? Too trusting. That’s gonna cost ya.”

He searched the bodies for food, and was rewarded with a few small plastic sacks of potatoes and assorted trail mixes and rations. They’d do.

The man sat crosslegged beside the bodies and began to eat. It was a habit, not a need, he knew. Eating brought a certain joy even if it wasn’t essential anymore.

“Yep,” he said. “It’s gonna cost all of ya. That is the wages of sin, I’m afraid. But don’t you worry. I’m gonna set things right. You’ll see. Well, ha! Not you personally, of course. But the people you came from. Wherever you called home. You had a mission, and I respect that. Now I’ve got one, too. Thank you. We’ll make things right. Oh, yes. God may have abandoned you, but I won’t. Nope. Not me. I’m in it to win it. Here for the long haul.”

He finished the potatoes and wiped his hands on the shirt of one of the dead men.

“The longest haul the world has ever seen,” he said, and got to his feet.

He surveyed the dim landscape, something out of an apocalypse—miles upon miles of nothing but gray, the sun a dim disc hidden for years above the ash cloud above.

Kind of pretty, in its own special way.

“Take it easy,” he said to them, and hiked into the truck. It started with a cough, and the man wondered how long it could survive in the gray ash choking the air. Probably a ways, he figured; probably they’d put a new filter in the engine, or maybe even figured out a way to jury-rig some kind of new type of filter that would allow cars to go further than before. Between the silver case and risking traversing the ash storm of middle America, they were obviously going somewhere important. Important to them, anyway. Important to someone.

Not to him.

He turned the car around and pointed it in the direction the men had come from, his big frame seated uncomfortably in the small cab.

He was a new kind of prophet for a new kind of age, and that suited him fine.

* * *

Tanin helped Murphy collect water from the solar stills and from dozens of evaporators surrounding Base Camp. The stills were constructed of scraps of wood, plastic, and sheets of glass pirated from any one of a dozen sources. Not particularly graceful, the stills cleaned standing and other filthy water by the simple process of distillation. Clean condensation formed on the tilted underside of the glass, which then ran into a tube or gutter and down again into a collection receptacle—a plastic bottle, a tin can, a canteen . . . anything would do. The process didn’t eliminate every toxin from the water source, but it was better than nothing. Outbreaks of cholera and the like had been drastically reduced since implementing the system. But the stills could only provide so much. Tanin knew without Murphy telling her that sooner or later, Base Camp would become untenable without a source of clean water. The problem was—she knew again without being told—no one had any idea where the next closest supply of clean water might exist. Whether clean water existed anywhere, in fact, was a subject of much debate during the nightly elder meetings she would listen in on.

Murphy rarely spoke at the meetings, despite his place as the oldest immortal among them. He detested the term “immortal,” and told her so on many occasions. No one was immortal, he’d growl as they gathered their distilled water. One solid blow to the head, a fall from some great height, being stabbed in the heart, being torn apart by the sick . . . oh, there were plenty of ways to die, he would say, and none of them pleasant.

The price of semi-eternal life was a painful and gruesome death.

Murphy never said that to Tanin, because Tanin again didn’t need to be told. She’d seen it.

“The walls won’t hold much longer,” Murphy said as they re-set a still with brackish water taken from a puddle near the village. “We’ll need to move soon.”

“What about the woods?” Tanin said. “We could cut down more trees, extend our line of sight.”

Murphy said nothing for a moment as he wiped clean the inside of the still with a rag. Tanin tried to wait patiently for him to reply, but patience did not come easy to her.

“I just mean, it would benefit us both ways,” she said. “Reinforce the walls, plus be able to see further out.”

“I heard you.” Murphy picked up a blue plastic five-gallon bottle, half-full, and slung it over his shoulder. “But it will only delay the inevitable. They’re getting smarter.”

Tanin couldn’t hold back a snort of disbelief, which she regretted immediately. She hated to disrespect him. Others, it didn’t bother her too much.

“I take it you don’t believe me,” Murphy said. He nodded toward the next still and they walked toward it together.

“It’s offensive, it’s an offensive thought,” Tanin said. “They’re animals.”

“Yes. But animals learn from experience. Imagine a day when the sick can work together. Plan attacks. Coordinate.”

“I can’t imagine that,” Tanin said, scowling. “It’s not possible.”

“Very possible,” Murphy said. “And as I said, perhaps even inevitable.”

“If you were right . . . if that happened, then everything would change.”

They reached the next still.

“Yes,” Murphy said. “Such as?”

Another one of his lessons. Tanin almost laughed, but such a sound came only rarely these days and this realization of Murphy’s moment of training didn’t warrant it.

“The walls would stop being useful,” Tanin said. “They could be breached by anything with intelligence.”

“Correct. What else.”

“We’d have to move into the city?”

“No. The infestation is too high. The cities are still untenable.”

Tanin sat in the dirt, sending a small cloud of ash billowing up around her while Murphy tended the still. “Become nomadic?”

Murphy nodded. “That’s one possibility. It’s not one I like. We’d be forced to scavenge instead of raise our crops. Much of the country’s buried in ash. We’d lose people.”

“We’ve already lost people.” Against her better judgment, Tanin spit, hating the ash cloud that puffed up when her saliva hit the ground.

Murphy turned his head, slightly. “Please tell me you’re not going to get into a pissing contest over personal loss.”

“. . . No.”

“No, sir.”

 Tanin grimaced. “No, sir.”

Murphy set down his bottle and hunkered beside the girl. His eyes sought hers, burrowing deep. Tanin sat up.

“I tell you these things because you have a chance,” the old man said. “I don’t meet many people I can say that to. You’re different. I see it. Do you believe me?”

Tanin met her mentor’s gaze with confidence. “Yes, sir.”

“Good.”

He shoved her over and sprang to his feet. Tanin splashed into the ash with a yelp, and instantly kicked out one booted foot toward Murphy. He skipped backward, dodging the blow.

“Not now,” he warned, though a paternal smile tickled at the corners of his mouth. “We still have—”

A gunshot echoed past them, the deep ka-CHUNK of a shotgun.

The pair of them leaped, running full speed across the naked plain toward Home Base. Murphy pulled his sword as he ran, a battered hunk of metal he claimed had once been used as a stage prop. It had taken a very long conversation with Tanin to explain what a stage show was; that there was a time when people had enough leisure to memorize entire books of words and recite them on a stage in front of people. A truly odd concept for one born into a world where agriculture and combat were the two primary daily activities. Combat had dwindled over time, as the sick were slowly thinned out, but she knew from experience attacks could come and would come at any time.

Like now.

Firing a gun, like leisure time, was a rarity due to scarcity. So much ammunition had been spent by so few during in the early years of the outbreak that what little remained was usually conserved as much as possible. One of many drawbacks to such a policy was that people weren’t afforded the opportunity to practice. Shotguns thus became the favorite of most survivors, as it was more of a point-and-shoot weapon compared to rifles or handguns. Still they remained weapons of last resort; better to rely on hand-to-hand weapons.

And so Tanin and Murphy ran, then ran faster as a second blast went off near Home Base. Whatever they  were facing, it was big and it was bad.

“But we made a record, so what the f***.”

“I wrote this song in history class. And I failed the motherfuckin’ class. …But we made a record, so, what the fuck.” ~ Mike Ness, lead singer/songwriter of Social Distortion, on the song “1945”

“As a society, we actually have not yet come around to the very sobering fact that getting a college degree, no matter the cost, is not necessarily worth it. […] Nobody has any more illusion that a company is going to do anything but look out for its best interest, and that its best interest can change on a dime.” ~ Alec Levenson, co-author, What Millennials Want From Work (read the entire article here.)

Honestly, the world could use more punks right now.

Honestly, the world could use more punks right now.

I’m a pretty big Social Distortion fan. Thing is, it’s not just the music in and of itself; it’s also what the music has become for me, as well as seeing how frontman Mike Ness has evolved as a person over the years. I love that he was destined for the gutter or prison — and spent time in both — but picked himself up and pulled a career together and became an icon for millions of fans around the world.

Now:

What do I tell my son when I play 1945 in the car for the first time, and he asks me, “So can I drop out of school and form a band?”

Answer: No!

Or rather: Maybe, but not while I’m paying your bills. (That’s pretty much my default on any request — do what you want as long as I’m not the one who’ll have to pay for the consequences.)

Because the dad part of me and the Tax Paying Citizen part of me is like, “For god’s sake, you have to have a high school diploma. A two-year degree is even better, and a four-year even better still.” Not necessarily for job purposes, though that’s a big part of it; but because the more you learn in general, the better off you’re going to be in life. That’s all. Generally, the more education you have, the less likely you are to end up in the gutter or prison. (Although, hey, if you’re rich enough, you can break any law and not really suffer for it. I think we’ve all learned that in this nation, yes? Wall Street, anyone?)

At the same time…I hear Ness’s gravelly voice speaking to me from two decades in the past, and the other part of me is like “Fuck yeah, son. Just go do it. You’ll never need to know the square root of jack shit anyway. If you know what you need to do in this world, then go do it.”

Not only that, but how are we Old Folks supposed to, in good conscience, expect our kids in this day and age to take on $40,000+ in debt with no actual promise of a living wage afterward? That’s no way to begin a life.

Because of who I am and who I am married to, our family will pretty much insist on some kind of secondary completion for my kid, whether that’s a GED or high school diploma. We’ll also be encouraging post-secondary education, based on what my son’s inclinations and needs are (and, ahem, how much we can afford, which I do happen to know the square root of: Again, the answer is jack shit.)

But if there’s some other thing…some burning, white-hot desire he has to go accomplish Thing X…I don’t know if I can get in the way of that.

Mike Ness failed history class, but he made a record, so what the fuck. He does what he loves, on his terms.

Probably we would negotiate some kind of middle ground with our kid. We do want what is best for our son, and what is best might not always be in line with what he wants. Fair enough. But honestly? If he’s as smart as he sure seems to be already, and continues reading as much and as well as he seems to be, I don’t think there’s much to worry about. I graduated in the dead center of my class not because I was too dumb to do better, but because I was too smart for my own good. Smart kids aren’t always getting straight A’s — some of them are working in auto shops or building new apps or making new music or writing an directing plays. I was smart enough to learn how to game the system and get what I want. I don’t advise it, I don’t encourage it…

But Book #8 comes out in 2017, so I must’ve done something right. I “made a book, so what the fuck.” I wrote a play in my directing class, and I failed the motherfucking class, but I wrote and directed a one-man show that launched a theatre company that lasted 13 seasons, so what the fuck.

So. My official position as an author of novels for young adults (mostly), is this: Finish high school. For god’s sake, at least do that much. Not having a diploma or its equivalent is just a bad way to start your life. I do tend to believe that an undergraduate degree is a good idea, but not to get into an absurd amount of debt for it.

And in the meantime…if during all of that there is something you just have to do…then yeah. Go do it. School’s not going anywhere. I finished my undergrad when I was 40. Do I wish I’d finished earlier? Yeah. A lot. But I took risks — calculated risks — and wrote novels instead. (On that note, ask me how many schools will hire me to teach writing. Hint: Zero. Why? No degree. There’s always a trade-off.)

So yes, for my kid, I absolutely insist on finishing secondary education, and am 75% in favor of finishing a post-secondary/undergrad education. But man, if that metaphorical phone rings and your band gets a chance to tour, or your painting gets shown at a good gallery, or an agent wants to see more of your novel, or . . . whatever . . . then do it.

Make your record.

(Here’s a look at how Social D transformed over the years compared to when 1945 first came out.)

 

That Guy

I knew this guy. When he found out his best friend’s father had a sweet video camera, he immediately got permission to borrow it. Then, with the help of two friends, he made his first horror movie, using this borrowed camera, borrowed editing system, and zero budget. They had no script, and improvised the entire thing based on what this guy had in his head. In fairness, the film was not exactly well-made; I mean, how could it be? But to be fair even further, during its premiere — at his school — one girl did legitimately scream during a jump-scare, so in that sense it was kind of a success.

Also: he was thirteen at the time.

Then I knew this guy who wanted to get into a summer acting program that would have put him on the fast-track to a B.A. in theatre and likely some good acting opportunities around town. Maybe even . . . get paid. But when he and one of his best friends auditioned and the best friend didn’t get in but he did, he didn’t bother signing up for the program. He wasn’t about to waste a summer with a bunch of profs who couldn’t see the talent his friend had, nevermind spending the summer away from his buddies. He was eighteen at the time. Three years later, he and that best friend, along with two other best friends, wrote and staged a one-man show. They got a standing ovation opening night.

(Of course, that was only after he and a totally different best friend grabbed a camera and started shooting a television show in their spare time. He was nineteen at the time. He had a lot of best friends, that guy.)

It’s the same guy who, after seven years of being pretty universally disliked by his classmates, turned to face the kid who’d just insulted his clothes and calmly replied, “Fuck you.” And how the teasing stopped after that. He was thirteen at that time, too.

At fourteen, the seniors in his high school speech and theater department were going nuts because he’d qualified for the State speech tournament his first year, and went on to break to the semifinals that year. One of the “top twelve in the state!” he’d say. But it’s not the breaking to State that I admire; it was his entire attitude, which was — without a single shred of guile — “Does this mean I get to perform again? Oh, okay, cool.”

These are the highlights, of course. The lowlights are far too low for public consumption. But when this guy died (which I think was sometime around early 1994, though spots of his spirit resurfaced from time to time), I couldn’t help but miss that entire Fuck It attitude of his. He wasn’t cruel about it, to the best of my knowledge. He just set his sights on something, and when he did, he generally got it. Whatever he went after, he tended to get. And when he didn’t get it, he’d shrug it off and move on to the next thing. When he and one of his teams got an outrageously positive review of a play they did, they had a party. When they got outrageously negative reviews about another, he shrugged and dismissed the critic as a prick, and moved on.

I really miss that about him. His ability to not give a shit, in the best possible way.

Now, having said all that, the thing that always nags me is that on the one hand, he rarely took no for an answer. He’d get some weird, usually performance-related idea in his head (“Hey, let’s produce a play! Hey, let’s make a movie! Hey, let’s make a movie about a play!”) and then he’d go gather up a crew, most of whom would follow him wherever he led, even if that was to total financial ruin or artistic obliteration. I have no idea how he talked so many otherwise intelligent, rational people into following his craziness, but they did.

I miss that about him as well. I miss that about all of them.

But then on the other hand . . . was what he did really any good? I mean, demonstrably, quantifiably good? By any measure? And what measures can we even use, really? Plenty of mediocre people with mediocre personalities or talents have tasted far greater success, and surely a hundredfold better people with better talent have gone unnoticed. So what does it say about him if he was just sort of middle-of-the-road, relying on the good graces and patience of people in some way beholden to him . . . family, say, or other students who have no choice but to sit through that absurd horror movie.

The thing is, they didn’t make a movie; he did. But if it wasn’t all that good by any measure, then what was the point? And if that trend continued into his professional life . . .

I know this: He took his arts very seriously, but not necessarily himself. The times he got all brow-furrowed and tried to REALLY CREATE SOMETHING, it never worked. The stuff he just threw together on a whim always seemed to be received better. I’ll never understand that. Or maybe I’ll never want to.

In some ways, I’m kind of glad he’s not here to see what I’ve become. Parts of my life would make him scream with pride and envy. Other parts would make him wince and say, “Dude, what the fuck are you doing? You don’t got to take that shit.” Yet I keep on taking it.

Maybe he was mediocre. Maybe he was middle-of-the-road. Mid-list. But he didn’t care, and he had no regrets. He didn’t compare himself other people, mainly because he tended to be too busy on his Next Big Thing.

I think I miss that about him more than anything.

 

Deviant Aeon: Why I Wrote an Adult Urban Fantasy Novel and You Should, Too

yougetwhatThis isn’t actually going to be a writing-craft post. This is a post about you doing the thing you need to do.

Some of you may have heard or read in various interviews that when SICK came out, I found it amusing that people kept referring to me “branching out into a new genre.” That’s half-right; I hadn’t published a horror novel before. But the short stories I published before looking for an agent were almost exclusively horror stories. The books and stories I grew up writing were supernatural or horror. Even the first use of the names “Zero” and “Skater” (Mike) were from the inklings of what was meant to be a horror story of some kind. The same is true of Tommy’s chapter of PARTY — way, way, way back — that started as jottings for a horror story.

So horror wasn’t something I was new to as a writer, it was something I was new to as a published author.

When I began rubbing elbows professionally with the likes of Joe Nassise, Michael Stackpole, and other adult genre authors, I started remembering all the novels I wanted to write when I was younger. Tales of mutants and murder, blood and backstabbing. The first novel-length work I ever produced was in eighth grade, a sword-and-sorcery fantasy called Derro the Warrior: The Demon Prince of Nine Hells (which somehow did not get me kicked out of my private Missouri-synod Lutheran school; as a matter of fact, they sent me and Derro to an Arizona State University young author’s conference; the shape of things to come, it turns out).

Joe Nassise extended an offer to me to be included in an e-book collection, A WORLD OF SHADOWS, which would include first-in-series novels. I took the opportunity to write my first adult-genre novella, TILL THE SUN BREAKS DOWN, the first in a planned trilogy and perhaps of a longer series I’ve been thinking, dreaming, and writing about for about two decades or more. (And on that note, I’d love for you to read the Shadows collection or Till the Sun and leave an honest review on Amazon so I know whether to even bother doing this. If you have Kindle Unlimited, the novella is free.)

What’s all this got to do with you? Plenty, my friend. Plenty.

In case you didn’t know, writing fiction doesn’t generally pay a lot. I do have local author friends who are doing quite well with their writing, but the vast majority of us could not live on fiction alone. I supplement with school visits, speaking at conferences, and teaching — all of which I love doing, by the way, so it’s not exactly a grind. 

Publishing indie-style can pay more than traditional . . . but most often doesn’t. And that’s okay. I wrote Till the Sun and continue working on the series because I love doing it. This is what I would be doing on Sunday mornings and various evenings after getting home from my copy writing job at some magazine or website where I punched a clock.

I write these stories and share them because to not do it is to die.

In the twenty-two years I spent acting and directing — as well as many side-gigs I’d sooner forget, like my stint as a “sprite” at the Phoenix Zoo — I’ll estimate I made around $3,000. That’s probably generous, but a nice round number. That’s $137 per year. Compare that to the more than $15,000 my wife and I spent on our arts venue over three years, and not counting however much I spent on my first company, Is What It Is Theatre, before we started keep track of such things.

Do I wish I had that money back? Oh, yes. Do I regret spending it? Not for one moment.

Because to not do theatre, at that time, in those places, with those people, was to die.

I’m going to keep preaching this over and over until it works: You have to do that thing that makes you, You. Whatever it is. If balancing checkbooks is your thing, own it. If you’re a stargazer, break that ‘scope out as often as you can. I mean, have you ever looked up an actuary schedule or lifespan calculator and figured out how many years you probably have left? We have this absurd silence about death in this country, and it’s killing us — no irony intended. Look, nobody’s more fearful of shedding this mortal coil than I, and that’s why I write novels about things I want to write about, regardless of the financial or critical outcome.

Bad reviews . . . wait, no. Rude, unthoughtful reviews drive me into steep depressions. (A negative but reasoned review doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I learn from them and appreciate them.) Steadily shrinking advances from publishers make me panic about things like, I dunno, losing our house. Things like that motivated me to finish my bachelor’s degree last summer, and motivate me to look for graduate programs, because I don’t know how long this incredible ride of mine will last.

But nothing, nothing stops me from writing every week. No, not always every day, but every week? Absolutely.

Awhile back I wrote a journal entry about what my best last day on Earth would look like. Of that hypothetical twenty-four hour period, about two hours of it was dedicated to nothing but being alone with my word processor and pounding out the last written words I’d leave behind.

It’s that important to me.

What is that important to you? What does your best last day look like? I am not a proponent of the “live each day like it’s your last” mentality, because it’s patently absurd. I’m more in favor of going to sleep each night and thinking back, “Is there anything I wish I’d done differently? What would I most like to do tomorrow within my given circumstances?”

Folks, we’re only going around once. Sorry to be the grim reaper. Happy Halloween, amiright?  But seriously, as Death says: “You get what anyone gets. You get a lifetime.” It’s yours to spend as you see fit. I don’t know your personal, private circumstances, and I know a lot of you have things on your plate that are overwhelming. I know. But nothing is insurmountable. You deserve a few hours each week to devote to that thing you love. I don’t understand devoting time and life-energy to model trains, but I bet model-train enthusiasts can’t grasp why I spent so much cash on a production of Fahrenheit 451. Fair enough. I don’t regret that production, and he doesn’t regret the addition he put on his house to expand the miniature town for his railroad. You know what I mean?

Don’t listen to anyone else’s plan for your life. Don’t try to publish a book because you want to Have Published A Book. Don’t become a lawyer or doctor because that’s what Daddy Wanted. The world is in so much trouble right now, scaling down is probably in everyone’s best interest. Start a small urban farm. Learn to repair bicycles. Teach yoga. I don’t care, just do the thing that makes you smile from the inside out. You already know what it is. None of this “find your passion” BS, you know. And you know that you know!

Here’s one way you can tell what your “thing” is, if you need a little help: It’s hard work. All the things I love and have loved to do were a pain the ass! Try building a stage in a backyard in Phoenix in July, then tear it down and truck it halfway across town, re-build it, do a show, then tear it down for the week before building it all back up again before 5pm on a Friday. … And I wouldn’t change a thing. Your “thing” is probably not leisurely. It could be, I suppose, but usually it’s something tough on the mind, body, or both.

If you can make a small living at it, like I do, so much the better.

Okay. Sermon over. If you find any of this helpful, let me know. Tweet it, repost it, share it. Leave a comment. Buy a book. Whatever. But do think about this. Really do. Because the more happy people we have walking around, the better for everyone, yeah?

Take care.

 

 

 

Punk’s Not Dead! Neither are you.

What do you want to say?

What do you want to say?

Hey punk!

We need you.

The world needs you. Now more than ever.

Punk rock became notorious for a number of reasons, some legitimate, some not. But there was an ethos, an ethic that went with the style, or was supposed to, anyway. Like any movement—and I’d call it that, not a trend—it eventually became co-opted and whitewashed and dimmed to a memory of what it started off trying to do. Mohawks barely register on anyone’s radar any more (at least in my part of the country). Colored hair? You pay big bucks for that now. Doc Martens? Available everywhere. (For good reason. Those suckers go and go and go.) Piercings in various cringe-worthy places? These are born, in my opinion, from the movement of punk rock.

Then it died, or so went the story. I’d argue it never did, it just evolved. It shrank, to be sure, as the kids grew up and had kids of their own. Some former punks, no doubt, went on to prosperous careers in the banking or real estate industries. (Many became teachers. Let that sit for a second.) Others stuck to blue-collar roots. But that’s not unique to punk, that’s just life. Life happens. It’s the old joke about everyone is a Democrat until they own property. Ha ha. I get it.

Thing is . . .

Whatever may have been wrong with punk as a social movement, and these were mostly the acts of a few random outliers, not the entire band of punks themselves, they were pissed.

Punk grew from a dissatisfaction with the status quo. Stop me if any of these things sound familiar to you kids:

~ they opposed racism, institutionalized and social
~ they opposed fiscal policies that made rich people richer and poor people poorer
~ they didn’t want the comfy house in the suburbs insulated from the rest of the world
~ they wanted to shout and dance and slam around and take out their aggressions among friends
~ and they wanted to play loud music while they did it.

Maybe that’s romantic of me, but I’d point to voices like Youth Brigade and the Better Youth Organization as evidence that this was so.

Punk also had a DIY ethic second-to-none. They didn’t have money, so they did what they could with what they had. They used art—visual art, music, video, you name it—to get messages across to an also-angry American public who had no idea that they reason they were so angry was their perfect, square white world was teetering beneath them.

Again . . . sound familiar to anyone?

One thing the punks didn’t have was the internet, this thing that makes DIY the norm for everyone. The web leveled the field in ways that large corporations are still trying to recover from. Those of you who grew up with high speed may not fully appreciate the seismic shift the web caused and continues to cause.

So my question to you is: What do you want to do with it?

We need the punks back again. We need you, the better youth, to dig deep and protest those things that you know are unfair. Use your voice, your music, your art, your images—anything and everything you’ve got, because you know—YOU KNOW—the world is headed into hell right now.

Once again, the establishment that put us all into this mess is teetering on the brink. Just a couple more (nonviolent) pushes in the right direction, and we’ll have this thing beat. We might not all get along, and that’s okay; surely we can at least stop shooting each other and start taking care of the damn planet. Surely we can make schools a great place to learn about the world. We can find new ways to solve old problems like racism and sexism and all those other isms that keep giving this country and this world bruises and blood and funerals.

The voice of punk can do that unlike any other force.

This is perfect time to have a renaissance of punk. Its do-it-yourself outrage, its focus on equality and justice, about calling power into question…the world is primed for young people to stand up, stand out, and name things the way only young people can. Little kids instinctively know when to say, “That’s a bad choice!” As teens, younger people still have that sense of justice but now have the agency (and energy, and online resources) to act upon it. There’s no better way to take action than through music. Music is nonviolent. Music binds us together across generations.

Kids, if you’re pissed off and have always wanted to start a band–or a blog, or a site, or a movement, or a company–now’s a good time. Punk’s not dead unless we let it be. A lot of the old guys are still out there touring and making records. They’ve got kids your age.

So. You carry in your pocket a computer that could’ve sent people to the moon. What do you want to do with it? If you’ve got an instrument, start a band and post that. Write lyrics that matter deeply to you and to the world. Paint, draw, sculpt. Talk, scream, protest. Design, build, dance.

Do all these things for an earth that desperately needs your passion and enthusiasm.

Bring back punk. Do it yourself. Save us from ourselves. We need a voice—no, a million voices. How many of you are there, do you think? Find each other. Organize. Make change.

MOSH!

“Here comes the new generation
I hope they feel and fight the same way
As we did.
We’re going down, down to the streets below
Because don’t you know
I wasn’t born to follow.”
~ I Wasn’t Born To Follow, Social Distortion

image credits:
FreeImages.com/Orsi Buki
FreeImages.com/Carolien Baudoin

“ARGH!!!!” is right: Why Piracy Sucks

If you like a musician or an author or any other artist, you should consider paying them for their work. If you can’t pay for their work, you should at least support them with your time.

Here’s how it works. These are not actual numbers, but you’ll get the point:

Authors and other artists like musicians earn a “royalty” every time one of their books/albums/songs/whatever gets sold. (There’s more to it than that, but I want to keep this simple.) Let’s say I, as the author, make a 10% royalty on any book sold by my publisher. Let’s say that book is $10 at your local bookstore. How much do I make?

$1.00.

(That doesn’t include 15% or so for my agent…so really it’s .85 cents. It also doesn’t count taxes…but anyway.)

So if I sell 100 books, I get $100. Not a lot, but there’s a lot you could buy with $100. Would you like $100 right now?

So if 100 people illegally download my book, I get . . . $0.00. Zero is less than 100, last time I checked.

Listen:

First, I understand that e-book pricing is odd and inconsistent, and I’m sorry about that, but it’s out of my hands. Second, if you think hardcovers are overpriced, I urge you to write a 50,000 word novel, revise it, proofread it, have it proofread again, and again, and just once more to make sure it is flawless, then build an eye-catching and appealing cover, then dump the whole thing into InDesign and try doing a layout yourself so that the words look appealing on the page….then total up all those hours and tell me how much you think they were worth. It’ll be a lot more than $17.99.

(Of which I would get $1.80, by the way. Again, not counting my agent or taxes or…)

Third: Your local library has a METRIC SHIT TON of material FOR FREE. And if they don’t have it, they can get it. E-books, audiobooks, magazines, newspapers, novels, nonfiction. Tons of it online, tons of it at the library, and if they don’t have it, they can get it 90% of the time FROM ANOTHER LIBRARY FOR FREE.

By the way? You already paid for it. Your tax dollars at work. Go use some of that stuff. A lot of it, like on Freegal, you can download and keep forever. Did I mention that it was free?

As someone else pointed out, if you’re paying $5.20 for a cup of coffee but won’t pay .99 for an e-book? Dude. C’mon. 

Anyway. If you’re gonna steal our shit, then at least, for the love of God, leave a review on Amazon.  Not Goodreads. Amazon.com. I mean, Jesus, if you are reading/listening/in any way consuming an artist’s work, then you must like that artist, right? Don’t you want to support them, even if you won’t do it financially? Then leave goddamn review. It’s three minutes of your time. Small price to pay for a free song you’ll listen to for the next forty years or a novel you can re-read over and over.

And I mean, my God! You can get used hardcovers at Amazon for a penny! Would I rather you buy a shiny new hardcover at my book launch on August 18? Yes. But the next best thing is to just get the cheapest copy you can and then (wait for it)….leave a review.

And finally:

We love you.

You get that, right? Artists love people, otherwise we’d be A) stupid, and B) working in a vacuum.

Nothing delights us more than creating shit for you to enjoy.

It’s why we get up in the morning. I am not kidding about this. Ask around.

I don’t have a problem giving you stuff for free. If you’re that hard up, by all means, send me a message and I will do my level best to get a copy of my book out to you, because, see above. I love you, and I love doing this for you. More than once I have spent my own, unreimbursed money to send a hardcover out to someone because that’s the kind of person I am. I want you to have this book. I want you to love it. Or not! But I want you to have it.

Just don’t steal it. Please. I’m begging you. We have got to move away from this Everything Is Free Online culture. I have to buy groceries to feed my toddler, you know? That’s not free. You wouldn’t want the work you do at your company to go unrewarded. You work hard. I work hard. The dozen or so people it takes to get a book to market work hard.

Don’t steal. Please.

And leave reviews on Amazon. No joke. Please do it.

…Rant off.

And for those many, many, many of you to whom this does not apply, thank you. On behalf of authors and other artists everywhere, thank you. We cherish you so very, very much.

 

 

 

Then I’ll BE unhappy! – Heroes, TV, and Ron Perlman

(c) 1989-ish, one of my best friends drew this for me; it’s his rendering of my player-character, Felix, an alien martial artist with cat-like powers. Because, cool!

(This is her world. A world apart from mine.)

So there was this show in the late eighties that in retrospect was kind of doofy, but perhaps only by today’s cynical standards: Beauty and the Beast, starring Linda Hamilton and Ron Perlman. I’ll admit it—I loved the show. I thought Perlman’s performances as Vincent were amazing. Vincent was everything I was, wasn’t, and wanted to be.

Was, because I felt like an outsider and a monster, too.
Wasn’t, because he was strong and fearless and could kick some ass when some ass needed kicking.
Wanted to be, because he also had an amazing voice, presence, and loved fully and passionately.

These were all part of my early-teen psyche. In the very first episode, when Vincent’s adoptive father declares, in reference to Hamilton’s Katherine character, “She can only bring you unhappiness,” Vincent snarls back, “Then I’ll be unhappy!”

Lo, how oft I quoted those lines to myself whilst pining away for she who I could never obtain! No kidding, I actually have this line quoted in one of my old journals. One of the reviews of MANICPIXIEDREAMGIRL references my protagonist, Tyler, as “trying hard to break his own heart.” It’s my favorite review line ever, because it is true in the novel and it was true for me in high school, and Vincent—half lion, half man; half human, half monster—encapsulated my crazy emotions in those years. So much so, in fact, that when I had the chance to jump into a tabletop role-playing game with some friends, I based my character off Vincent. I went on to play that character for about 20 years. In so doing, playing with some very gifted storytellers and actors, my writing skills quietly got better and better in the background. (I later wrote a descriptive essay about that character and was accused of plagiarism because my writing “far exceeded the abilities of a comp 101 student.” True quote! Uh…my bad?)

(From the moment I saw her, she captured my heart with her beauty, her warmth, and her courage.)

So when I finally, after some 25 years, got to meet Ron Perlman in person at Phoenix ComiCon 2015, I just hoped I wouldn’t start bawling when I got to his table. (I didn’t.) Getting to shake his hand and explain that his storytelling, his character work in the show, inspired me in my own writing and that now I had books published by the likes of Random House, Abrams, and Simon & Schuster…it was just one of those I’m-meeting-my-rock-star! moments.

I gave the guy who played Vincent one of my novels. This is full-circle on a level that’s hard to explain.

He won’t read the thing; none of the people I’ve given my books to do, will, or have, I don’t reckon; and that’s okay, that’s not why I give them. I give them because it’s important to me to tell them how much their work mattered in my life. It’s important to me to show some tangible proof of my gratitude.

Because those stories do matter.

A lot of people don’t get all worked up over meeting celebrities, and I think that’s great. Some of us get riled up about celebrities not because they are special or powerful or whatever. They’re people. They go to work. Their work might seem glamorous, but I know just enough about the biz to know it’s anything but that a lot of the time (four hours in a make-up chair? Glamorous!). But still we get shook up when we meet them because they were the visible part of telling a story that perhaps said things we couldn’t.

“I am a monster, and I can never have what I really want because of it.” This was Vincent’s fate, and he knew it, and he let it get the better of him, and that is what I needed to see every week when I was 14. I don’t want to feel better, I want to feel whatever it is I am feeling right now, to the absolute fullest. Why do I write YA? Because so much of it, the real “it,” is exactly like that, and it’s a heady, breathtaking place to live for a little while.

In hindsight, Vincent and Katherine’s love affair, such as it was, wasn’t terribly mature. It couldn’t be, because good TV isn’t generally made about healthy relationships; conflict by necessity must be at a story’s core. I wouldn’t trade my awesome marriage for Vincent’s super strength and enhanced senses or his poetic pining; no thanks! But then I’m not 14 anymore, either. At 14? Oh hell yeah, that’s exactly what I needed to hear and see—that this monster knew what I was going through. So when I get a chance to meet the man who made that character come alive? A character who so deeply impacted my life and, in a roundabout way, my career?

Yeah. I’ll get a little choked up, all right? I can own that.

(I knew then as I know now that she would change my life forever.)

“It’s a TV show, dammit! It’s just a TV show!” barked William Shatner in a classic SNL skit. He’s right of course. It’s just a TV show.

But TV shows, movies, novels, poems, plays, songs…these things reveal to us and for us many things we can’t often express, even to ourselves. So I have no problem with anyone getting excited over meeting a person whose work has impacted them. Standing in line at Con this May, watching the thrilled, happy faces of fans after having met one of their favorite actors (or authors, or artists)…it’s a good thing. A very good thing, for everyone involved. Whether that person is an actor, athlete, musician, director, writer, artist, chef—whoever—it’s a noble thing they do, and I think a noble thing for us to say thank you. If what they did or do keeps us going one more day, then gratitude is the only reasonable reaction.

The Day Amber Benson & The Dread Pirate Roberts Saved My Life

Could I just have one good f*cking day?!?! Answer: "As you wish."

Could I just have one good f*cking day?!?! Answer: “As you wish.”

Phoenix ComiCon 2015 begins in about 48 hours. I’m looking forward to it in a very special way this year because this time last year . . . I wasn’t.

2014 recap: Got to meet some great authors; met about a hundred up-and-coming writers, for whom I wish the best of luck and joy in their writing; met Cary Elwes who was preternaturally kind and wonderful; then was utterly charmed and stunned by author and actor Amber Benson for not only not roundhouse kicking my face when I jumped in front of her and asked her to come to my last panel of the day…but that she showed up and absolutely made my weekend. Her arriving at my class really took my breath away. You know what it’s like when you meet your Rock Star – whether he or she is an artist, actor, writer, poet, musician, or Fortune 500 CEO? Whoever your Rock Star is, you know that feeling? Yeah. It was like that.

And I wasn’t going to go. I came *that* close to skipping the whole thing.

No one knows, until just now, that that was my plan. Not my wife, not my ComiCon friends, not the Con organizers who are as dear to me as any family. No one. I didn’t announce it. I just quietly debated the merits of even bothering to show up. Because for all the awesome that is Phoenix ComiCon, sadness and self-loathing are . . . well, if we’re gonna be geeky, let’s just say the Dark Side is “Quicker. More seductive.” 

The reason I debated those merits is, I’ll never be good enough. I never have been, never will be, let’s end the entire charade.

You ever felt that way?

Let me make one thing clear, here: I am 100% aware of the sheer volume of blessings I have. No question. We can start with my wife and son and work our way along. I know them all. I do actually “count my blessings.” Frequently. Toby and Joy take up Spot #1. I have published novels that are on bookstore shelves; we’ll call that #3, because my friends take up Spot #2.

But still I wonder. Still I fear. Still I think it’s all a trick. 

Let’s put it this way: If anyone ever said to Toby the things I say into the mirror — and that’s not always metaphorical, by the way — I’d be Cobra-Kai-sweepin’-the-leg all over that person’s face. No one talks to my wife or my kid like that. No one.

I, on the other hand, am totally allowed to say those things to me. Some are things people have said and just stayed in there for, oh, thirty years. Some are brand-new that I came up with myself. And being a writer, trust me, some of them are pretty heinous. (My wife and my doctor get all upset with me when they hear the sorts of things I say to myself. Geez, calm down, right? I mean, they’re just words! . . . Right?)

So that’s just the tip of what was happening right before Con 2014. It’s the tip of what happens a lot in this office where I work. 

Thing is . . . I look back at last year’s Con and think of all the total coolness I would have missed out on if I’d given up. The wonderful people I wouldn’t have met.

No matter how much easier it is to give in, I can’t let it happen. You can’t let it happen. There is just too much cool shit we could miss out on if we let our Dark Sides get the better of us.

So this time last year, I could barely pick myself up off the floor. But I did. I got up, and goddammit, I went to Phoenix ComiCon to be with my tribe. And what do you know — heroes showed up, and reminded me by their smiles and their handshakes and their hugs that this place is worth sticking around for. Even when it sucks.

Artists you admire come watch your dialogue class, or dread pirates show great kindness. These things can change the entire course of a day, week, or longer. Much longer, sometimes. Like, the entire year between Cons, for example.

So thank you, Amber, and Cary, and Faith, and Brandy, and my exquisite and unrelentingly faithful bride. Thank you to every person who’s ever said a kind word about me or my work. Thank you. It matters. I hope I return the favor somehow.

I hope to see you at Phoenix ComiCon 2015. I’m really looking forward to it, no kidding. And if you or someone you know has been or is in one of those awful places I described, hang in there. Heroes abound. Keep your eyes open. We can do this.

We can. We have to. Because I don’t want any of us to miss Phoenix ComiCon 2016.

So say we all.